Forty-six reasons I am glad to be alive today

1. because there is no way to put the wonder of life into words or into a list... but I'm gonna try anyway

2. all the books I have been able to read

3. the full moon

4. the Spanish language - hearing it and speaking it

5. falling in love with a new language and culture - Italian

6. turtleneck sweaters, denim skirts, black suede boots, with coordinating scarves, jewelry, and handbags

7. bike rides on the beach

8.

9. having too many friends to begin to list them here - knowing that you know who you are and how much you mean to me, each of you and all of you.

10. Miquelrius journals with thick paper and complete discretion

11.

12. the joy of sex

13. the thrill of pregnancy

14. the agony of labor

15. the incomparable lives of Kristiana and Daniel


16.

17. Spain

18. Italy

19. Buenos Aires

20. Rio de Janeiro

21. all the stops in between

22. Palomino Island, Puerto Rico

23. Costa Rica

24.

25. the public library

26. Williams College

27. elephants, giraffes, and turtles

28. growing up with three older brothers

29. the sisters-in-law they brought into my life

30. the nieces and nephews those remarkable women ushered into the world

31.

32. facebook

33. the internet in general

34. digital photography

35.

36. glue sticks and glue tape

37. laughter

38. warm hugs and tender kisses

39. paper clips and staplers

40.

41. new toys - especially the electronic and battery-operated ones

42. being able to use the off button and bask in the ensuing darkness and silence

43.

 44. Illy from the Bialetti

45. someone to hold my hand

 46. having such a full life, so many stories, so many memories, and so many photos that I had to sigh deeply as I went through and chose the ones I was going to use in this list.


I have been deeply blessed for these  46 years that I've been alive. I am profoundly grateful. Thank you to all who read these words, the near and dear, the far and missed, thank you for your presence, your love, your words, your silence. Thank you for being a part of why my life is too big, too wide, too deep, to wonder-filled to put into words.

Thanks be to God!

In the shadows, in the tangles

Life feels tangled and shadowy sometimes. 

Much of the time.

The good news is that, even in the midst of the tangles, 

I can almost always find a reason to smile.

For one thing - I'm never truly alone.

Oftentimes, that which seems most gnarly and shadowy when I'm in the middle of it,

often looks far less tangled and dark when I'm outside of it.

Sometimes I am the source the shadows.

Sometimes it's a group shadow-making experience.

***********

These photos were taken today outside of the Mint Museum, Randolph Road.

This place is one of my favorite Charlotte haunts.

I keep going back to the same place

Silence.
Solitude.
Stillness.

I began a book entitled Holy Silence this morning. All was calm. All was quiet here on the home front. I snuck down into the living room before anyone else was awake, plugged in the Christmas tree and opened my heart to a new understanding of silence.

Silence leads us to wait. Waiting leads us to the real presence of Jesus. The real presence leads us to holy awe. Holy awe leads us to a life lived out of spiritual silence. That life leads to "unhurried pace and power," wrote Thomas Kelly. "It is simple. It is serene. It is triumphant. It is radiant. It takes no time, but it occupies all our time... And when our little day is done, we lie down quietly in peace, for all is well." Indeed, all manner of things is well. (pages 33-34)

Even as I type those words, I know that all is not well in the world. Wars continue to rage. Poverty overwhelms more people on a daily basis. Children lost. Illnesses diagnosed. Homelessness grows unabated. Sorrow abounds. Pleas for help go unheeded. I heard a story on NPR today about the ongoing horrors of nuclear spillover and leaks in Japan. Thousands there are still homeless. Towns abandoned and barricaded. The nuclear power plant that exploded has yet to be completely sealed, contained, and not only the temperature but also the radiation levels in the plant remain above safe levels. The argument can easily be made that all manner of things for all manner of people is not well.

But still.

But still, when I am able to find time, when I make time for silence, for prayer, for quietude, for awe, for radiance, for simplicity, I emerge from those times of withdrawal better able to respond to the sorrows that surround me, better able to handle the challenges of my life and those that have befallen my dearly beloved friends and family members, better equipped to face the noise and the funk in the world.

During the darkest days of my life, during my childhood, my college days, my years as a new mother, and in the more recent past, when I grieved my father's death, when I raged against my daughter's illness, when I worried about the outcome of my call-back mammograms, whenever I have faced the terrors that we all face at one time or another, I have found deeper reserves of strength, of courage, of determination after I burrow into silence, secret myself away into solitude, and create time to sit still.


I keep going back to the same place.
Alone with The Alone.
Silent with The Word.

One thing that bugs me about Christmas...

especially the way it is talked about in many of the (Protestant) churches I have attended in my lifetime is the general consensus that Mary doesn't matter much in the Christmas story. This morning, my daughter heard a sermon in which the pastor intimated that who Mary was and what she did isn't worthy of attention; perhaps her faith was strong, but she herself doesn't deserve special honor.

I disagree. She received the promise of the coming Christ child with faith, not doubt - as her famous uncle Zechariah, the priest, had done. She didn't try to keep her mysterious pregnancy a secret and slink away in the middle of the night as her famous fiancee, Joseph, tried to do. No, she faced the angel, listened to his message, and accepted her assignment, along with all the heartache, fear, insults, ostracism, shame, and mistreatment that surely flowed her way. After all, she was an unwed, poor, engaged, pregnant teenager living in a small town. 

I am not ashamed to say, "Wow! What an amazing woman. What courage. What faith. What strength. She is a woman worthy of our gratitude and honor and praise." After all, isn't that what the angel said and what Elizabeth said, and what countless men and women have said about her down thru the ages?

Angel: Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you... 

Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God.

Elizabeth: Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear. But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your voice reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.

I don't care what any of those dudes say about my dearly beloved Mary - and it usually is "some dude" up there speaking disrespectfully of her - she remains one of the greatest women who has ever lived. Mary was the truest bearer of Good News, bringing the Light of the World into the world. Full of grace. Carrying The Truth within her. Highly favored. I could go on...

Instead I will stop here and simply say,
"Thank you, Mother Mary, for all you were and all that you did.
Blessed art thou among women - and men -
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus."


*******
Postscript: I found this poem written about Mary. Beautiful.

If this is ecstasy...

I just finished Cutting for Stone, the much praised book by Abraham Verghese. Now I know why I don't read too many novels: I become so engrossed that leaving the book behind and reemerging into my daily life is a jarring shock. This book will stay with me for a good long while. 

There's a British surgeon, a hospital in Ethiopia, a series of political upheavals, an Indian nun, a church in Texas, Ethiopian music, words in Italian, discussions of fistula surgery - this book has a little bit of everything in it. Kinda like life.

There's a scene in a church: We lit candles. Hema fell to her knees, the flame throwing a flickering light on her face. Her lips moved. She believed in every kind of deity, and in reincarnation and resurrection - she knew no contradictions in these areas. How I admired her faith, her lack of self-consciousness - a Hindu lighting candles to a Carmelite nun in a Catholic church.


I knelt too. I addressed God and Sister Mary Joseph Praise and Shiva and Ghosh - all the beings I carried with me in the flesh and in spirit. Thank you for letting me be alive, letting me see this marble dream. I felt a great peace, a sense that coming to this spot had completed the circuit, and now a blocked current would flow and I could rest. If "ecstasy" meant the sudden intrusion of the sacred into the ordinary, then it had just happened to me. 

Here's the thing: if that is how some define "ecstasy," then indeed I have experienced moments of ecstasy every day of my life. Looking back on my most recent trip to Spain in particular, I had several such moments while in the company of one of my dearest life companions, someone whose words, whose friendship, whose wisdom, and whose presence strengthen and encourage me. I am a stronger woman simply because this person is alive and walking on the planet. We walked, we talked, we ate, we drank. I took photos and copious notes. I wept. I laughed. I closed my eyes and took mental photographs when pulling out my camera felt too intrusive. The sacred intruded into the ordinary at every turn, at some point during every hour. Peace invaded every exchange. I was in ecstasy.

As I spend time in these final weeks of the year looking back on 2011, looking back on Christmases past, looking back at my entire life, I have often fallen to my knees. I address God, my father, mi compañero, and so many others that I carry with me in the flesh and in spirit - and I say, Thank you for letting me see this day, letting me see tonight's full moon, and leading me to so many places so I could take so many photos of so many marble, stone, glass, and divinely human dreams. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Looking Back on 2011, part 1

I love to travel, hit the road, go on adventures. The fewer people along for the ride, the better.  I prefer solo travel over all other kinds. So when I set out for Spain in February, alone, I was in my glory.

Judy hosted me for the first few days - in Barcelona.

She knows the baristas by name and/or face, the best day to go to the best place for the freshest seafood, and which areas of the city to avoid.

She knows that city far better than I know Madrid or even Charlotte - its history, its oldest church, its newest church, its paper stores, its smallest and most intimate restaurants.

She is the consummate Barcelona walking-tour, coffee shop, art gallery, museum, transportation system, nightlife guide.

She is a fabulous story-teller, detailed writer, meticulous planner, respecter of privacy, and an open-hearted woman whose deep faith, zeal for life, love for her family, and longing to live every day to the fullest inspire me, encourage me, and challenge me to be the best woman I can be, to dream big, and to recognize that the best times of my life are yet to come.

Judy is my dearly beloved soul-sister, sister-adventurer, student for life, student of life, and lover of Spain. But most important of all, she is my friend. 

Judy, these candles are lit for you, con mucho cariño y amor.

Off the Wagon... Or is it on the wagon...

I had some friends over for dinner, discussion, stories, laughter, and prayer on Tuesday night. I made two kinds of soup - corn chowder and vegetable-bean soup - cornbread and chocolate chip mint cookies. I've never thought of myself as a particularly good cook, but the ladies were complementary on all counts. Some asked for recipes. Some asked to take containers of soup and cookies home with them. I guess I'm not a complete failure in the kitchen after all.

I ate three cookies that night.
Two more cookies yesterday after dinner.
Three cookies today after lunch.
They are really good, if I do say so myself.
On top of that, I've had my sweet coffee concoction three times this week.
Three shots of espresso, sugar, vanilla almond milk, Starbucks peppermint syrup (purchased by the liter at Target) - perfectly blended, stirred, and sipped delightedly while eating buttered whole grain toast (using vegan "butter," naturally). It is the favorite breakfast of this champion housewife, homeschooler, teacher, writer, and adventurer. Yum, yum.

Today I feel like crap; seriously, I feel awful.
My face is dry and itchy.
Pimples are appearing on my jawline.
I feel sleepy, sluggish, and moody.

Could it be the sweet coffee and choco-chip mint cookies doing all that?
I can't help but think that the sad and joyous answer to that question is: Yes.
Sugar is messing me up. Again.
No more possible denial - sugar is my drug of choice -
and it's time to get it out of my system again.
So here I go: back on the wagon... or is it off the wagon?


PS. I have managed to lose 12 pounds since this sugar cutting, exercise increasing, water guzzling program began. So why would I want to mess with such a good thing anyway?

When your days aren't merry and bright

Sugar plums don't always dance in our heads around the holidays.
Mistletoe isn't always the best thing to hang overhead.
Sometimes the countdown is not to Christmas itself, but to December 26th -
we wish for the whole doggone thing to simply be over.
We don't want to see family or friends because they drive us to drink.
We don't want to attend Christmas parties or gatherings of any kind.
We want to crawl into bed and remain there until the ball drops at midnight on December 31st.

If that is how you're feeling these days, please go check out the latest ebook by Kristin Noelle. I had the honor and privilege of reading it and writing a review/endorsement. I wholeheartedly endorse it. Go get it. Read it. Apply its wisdom to your upcoming holiday gatherings. Heck, don't wait until Christmas; use these insights tonight with the ones you live with, with the ones you love, with the ones you love and wish you lived with, with the ones that you live with and wish you still loved... you get the picture.

It's time for all of us to Unspike the Holiday Punch.
Let there be hope.
Let there be laughter.
Let there be peace.
And let it begin at home this Christmas season.

Twenty-five days to go...

There are only 25 days left until the end of the year.
Twenty-five days to recount (pardon the pun) the many blessings that have come this year.
Twenty-five days to recall the challenges of this year.
Twenty-five days to dream, plan, pray, and prepare for the year that is soon to dawn.

Here is a list of 25 people, places, discoveries, encounters, moments that are on my list of blessings for 2011 - with photos from this year sprinkled in.

1. Barcelona, Spain.
2.Valladolid, Spain.
3. Judy Heins, my host in Barcelona.

4. Antonio Allende and Jose Maria Olaizola
5. my sisterhood of writers, bloggers, travelers, poets, art journalers, photographers, cast-aways, preachers, teachers, co-conspirators, freedom-fighters and soul-friends - you know exactly who you are

6. graduation day, Williams College, Williamstown, Massachusetts
7. long walks around and through my neighborhood
8. art dates

9. coffee dates
10. The Untethered Soul

11. Higher Ground
12. Fabriano-Artistico 140-pound hot press watercolor paper
13. Cheap Joe's Art supply shop

14. that wine bar on 7th Avenue, Park Slope, Brooklyn, New York
15. Eduardo, Leticia, Alvaro, Jaime, and Marta - my family in Madrid

16. my life group
17. Codependent No More - again and again
18. a self-inflicted haircut

19. breaking my addiction to sugar
20. The Paper Skyscraper

21. Jacob Beaver, Anthony Smith, Toni Cook-Smith and the two angel-prophets at Starbucks
22. eight days of silence in Pennsylvania

23. our house on Hilton Head Island
24. riding a bike on the beach
25. knowing that there are hundreds more people, places, stories, photos, and miracles I could add to this list

What's on your list?

While buying food for my dog...

I was in the check-out line at the health food store buying a bag of organic dog 


food for my dog when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I 


be buying dog food, right? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. 


I said that I was starting the Wild Dog Food Diet again, and that I probably   


shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. I said that I'd lost 35 pounds 


the last time - before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most 


of my orifices and IVs in both arms. 




I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets 


with Organic Wild Dog Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel 


hungry. The food is organic and nutritionally complete so it works well and I was 


going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was 


now enthralled with my story.) 




Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned 


me. I told her no. What happened was that I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's 


butt and was hit by a car. 




I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so 


hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer.

PS. In the interest of full disclosure: Now that you've read all this way I have to confess, I copied this story from a friend's facebook status and she copied it from someone else. I hope you laughed as hard as I did - we can all use a giggle at this time of year... and any time of year.


PSS. The photos are of my real dog and she really does eat organic food that I buy at the health food store. 

Looking to the stars

Waiting - that cold, dry period of life when nothing seems to be enough and something else beckons within us - is the grace that Advent comes to bring. It stands before us, within us, pointing us to the star for which the wise ones from the East are only icons of ourselves.


We all want something more. Advent asks the question: what is it for which you are spending your life? What is the star you are following now? And where is that star in its present radiance in your life leading you? Is it a place that is really comprehensive enough to equal the breadth of the human soul?

The Liturgical Year: the spiraling adventure of the spiritual life
by Joan Chittister
page 62

The promise of barrenness

Sometimes loss, emptiness, and barrenness are the very vehicles 

thru which new life, new light, and new beauty emerge. 

Dormancy. Hibernation. Solitude. Transformed.

Not always, but sometimes.

What if?

What if all the waiting and praying and hoping actually bring about the outcome you've always dreamt about and hoped for?
What if the greatest gift arrives, but in the least expected package at the most inconvenient time?
What if all your questions about why this can't possibly be what it appears to be don't matter?
What if you've been asking the wrong questions all along?
What if this is exactly what you've been looking for?
What if love actually is all around us?


For NN.

This evening, peace

Jena Strong got me thinking about tenderness yesterday morning.
I've been thinking about peace all day today.

This evening, peace

for the friend helping her mom move from her home of 30+ years into an apartment
for the friend helping herself move out of her marital home into her own apartment
for the friend who has made that move already and is discovering the joy of living alone
for the friend who is looking for work
for the friend who recently started a new job
for the friend longing for companionship
for the friend unsure of what is ailing her daughter
for the friend unsure of what is ailing her marriage
for the friend who has begun to study something she has always wanted to learn about
for the friend studying for finals
for the friend celebrating the end of an illness
for the friend dealing with long term dialysis
for the friend awaiting the birth of his second child
for the friend longing to get pregnant


This evening, peace

for the friend whose grandson is suffering at the hands of an angry step-father
for the friend whose son faces 15 more years in prison
for the friend wishing she weren't so alone
for the friend wishing for some time alone, even just an hour
for the friend whose ex-husband refuses to pay child support
for the friend whose husband is on his way home from Iraq
for the friend whose husband recently left for Afghanistan
for the friend whose sons miss him terribly
for the friend too selfish to consider the damage his absence is causing to his children
for the friend too afraid to walk away from abuse
for the friend too fearful to stay put long enough to be loved the way she deserves


This evening, peace

for the friend who kicked her daughter out of the house
for the friend who is too proud to admit she was wrong
for the friend who is too afraid to ask for what she wants
for the friend seeking a deeper connection with her daughter-in-law
for the friend wishing her mother-in-law would leave her alone
for the friend who has gained a lot of weight this year
for the friend who wishes she had enough to feed her growing family
for the friend for whom winter threatens her sense of well-being
for the friend whose sense of well-being is increasing with each passing day
for the friend smoking clandestinely outside her mom's house
for the friend lighting a candle and remembering her mother's Christmas cookies
for the friend gathering ingredients for her annual cookie extravaganza


This evening peace

for the friend who has been hurt by my words
for the friend whose words have wounded me
for the friend from whom I feel separated at the moment
for the friend with whom I feel most connected these days
for the friend who asks me questions and then listens to the answers
for the friend who cuts me off and tells me to stop preaching
for the friend whose tears I have wiped and whose sorrows I have borne
for the friend who keeps asking me to tell the truth, even when the truth hurts
for the friend worried about her children and their future
for the friend who has set a vivid example of how to live at peace, no matter what
for the friend who keeps coming back to read this blog
for the friend who reads my words and rolls her eyes with disdain


This evening, peace

for the friend whose 40th birthday celebration and getaway reminded her of how blessed she is
for the friend who has never lost sight of how beautiful she is
for the friend who has no idea how gorgeous she is - and whose glow is undeniable
for the friend whose laughter lights up every phone call and whose words soothe my soul
for the friend who makes me laugh, belly laugh, with the perfect turn of phrase
for the friend whose sketches and wise words drive me to my journal every single time
for the friend whose art work inspires me to create, create, create
for the friend who is bravely telling her story in the most creative way possible
for the friend who reached out to me and wished me peace
for the friend whose tenderness got me thinking so much about peace


This evening, peace

for all men, women, and children everywhere