Thursday, January 10, 2013

Can I complain for a minute?

Kanswer sucks.
Kanswer sucks.
Kanswer sucks.

This week I reached the midway point in my healing therapy treatments.
Healing therapy - to eliminate the kanswer - on Monday morning.
Neulasta injection - to rebuild my blood cell counts - on Tuesday morning.

Wednesday and Thursday bring with them the terrible side effects.

Bone shuddering chills and pajama-soaking hot flashes.
My bones and joints ache.
Hugs hurt, folks. Hugs hurt.
My nasal passages are clogged - even though there aren't any nasal hairs left.
No nasal hairs means everything smells stronger than usual, I get regular nosebleeds, and touching my nostrils hurts.
Numbness in my fingertips and on the soles of my feet.
Hunger and upset stomach.
Constipation and its opposite.
I need to drink at least half a gallon of water every day -
which means I have to get up multiple times during the night to pee.

Neighbors, friends, and church members bring meals to our home.
My husband and children bring trays of beautiful food to my bedroom.
Delicious healthy food - it smells great. It looks amazing.
Either I cannot taste any of it,
or it tastes like mud and metal and dirt.

Did I mention that I've lost nearly all the hair on my body - except for the hair on my legs?
Yes, that's right - I'm 98% bald from the top of my head to my kneecaps.
Below my kneecaps? I am quite hairy.

Today is definitely the toughest day in each cycle -
the Thursday after healing therapy is the day I want to cry my way through.
In fact, I'm crying as I type this.
And today I'm gonna let myself cry and complain and lay in bed watching dumb stuff on television.

Because kanswer sucks.
Kanswer sucks.
Kanswer sucks.


Lisa said...

Oh. This is heartbreaking to read. Thank you for your honesty though. It helps me know what you're really going through. Truly it does.

(Glad my hugs are virtual, long-distance ones, so they don't hurt!!!!)

And, yes, watching dumb stuff on TV can be radically freeing and healing in its own strange way.

I am Breathing the Truth of "this too shall pass" very strongly for you today, my dear friend.

Monee said...

I'm sorry you're healing has to come with side effects.
But hairy legs huh? Bewildering!!
Sending you love, hugs and kisses dear friend.