Friday, November 14, 2008

Too many days...

An old favorite photo and memory: Gelato in January in Rome.

I have spent a lot of time this week feeling sorry for myself.
I have thought back to trips I have taken earlier in my life
and lamented the fact that there are no future trips on my calendar at the moment.
I thought: "Too many days have passed since my last seven to ten day solo journey."

See the two candles burning on the lower right side? I lit them - I always light two. These were lit at the church of Santa Maria sopra Minerva in Rome.

I have thought back to meals and coffee shops
where I have sat alone with The Alone,
lost in my thoughts
and lamented the fact that I don't do that nearly enough anymore.
"Too many days have passed since my last three to six hour solo journey."

Then yesterday, I slapped myself in the soul and thought,
"How dare you complain? How dare you feel sorry for yourself?
Yours is a blessed life. You have more than you need of everything you have ever thought you wanted.
Be grateful."

The problem is not that there have been too many days since something significant has happened in me or to me.
The problem is that I have not accepted this day, this hour, this moment
I have not loved this day, this hour, this moment,
and lived it fully. Here and now.

I have allowed myself to believe that there is some future moment,
some future journey, some future relationship that will fill the emptiness in me.
That some other person, some other house, some other body,
some other something or other
will satisfy me.

The truth is that the freedom I feel on the streets of Spain and Italy,
the joy of those peace-filled hours of wandering without accountability,
the soul-filling that comes from soul-stirring conversations and exchanges -
all of that is available to me right here in Charlotte.
Because that joy and that freedom exist within me
right here, right now.

Earlier this week, I wrote the following in my journal:

"Too much time,
too many days
without me writing
without me praying
without me reading
* without me. *

I miss myself.
Alone. Quiet. Wandering.
Walking. Listening.

So, G, what are you gonna do to meet up with you again?
To reconnect with yourself? Where will you go? For how long?
What will you do there?

I need to begin right here, on the floor of my study."

So that's where I began that morning.
That's where I began this morning.
On the floor of my study. On the floor of my soul.
Forgetting the days "I have wasted." No such days have ever existed.
Forgetting the days "I will make the most of." No such days will ever exist.

No, live this day. Right here and right now.


Jena Strong said...

This is beautifully written and captures my mood this week, too.

One of my sisters is in Israel, and the other just returned from the Caribbean. I started feeling stuck here in Vermont, in November - grey, "stick season."

The basement is filled with pictures and journals, memories of "solo" times. And guess what I longed for then? A partner. A family. A home.

Your study floor looks pretty damn inviting.

Love to you, always.

Shelby said...

This day is sometimes hard, when you want the next day or the previous day.. but I do understand. You have a good attitude in that you want to love 'this' day.. even tho you don't feel it. Rising above the emotion is part of the joy of accepting 'this' day.


Ella said...


I think that's why I like to wander off alone at times.

One-- I'm not afraid to be alone. Secondly, the unaccountability part. Just being free. I understood those words completely.

Sometimes what you come back to makes you recognize though we all have certain responsibilities. I found that out the hard way recently.

Sometimes so much sadness hits us at once, it's easy to forget the blessings and beauty of life when the candles grow dim. But they're there always buring in our hearts.

We may get lost, but we get found too. A new concept a "lifes' lost and found box". Its a never ending process as far as I can see or learned.

Maybe too, the unexpected part plays into those journeys. You never know who you may meet along life highways. That's the part I love the people we meet that make life fuller and meaningful.

Blessings, and I/F and love,


Jennifer/The Word Cellar said...

This was a much needed reminder for me, my friend. Thank you.