Sunday, January 27, 2013

The beat(down) goes on...

Healing therapy is good for me. I know it is.
But I will not lie - the after effects, the side effects,
the agony of being in the middle of it - this process is absolutely dreadful.

Gratefully, I've read a few interesting takes on it.
Like this: The metallic taste in my mouth is the taste of healing.
The loss of my hair, the darkening of my fingernails - the list of "ughs" is long.
But they are all signs that change is happening in this body of mine.
I am being healed. I am getting better.

The cycle of recovery took longer after the 3rd session was far longer than the earlier two.
From all I've read and heard, these last three sessions may result in even slower recovery.
I'm getting ready. I'm trying to prepare myself for whatever is yet to come.
Be it slow, be it fast, be it difficult, be it relentless - I will endure. I will thrive. I will be strong.
I will cry. I will feel sorry for myself. I will moan and groan.
And then I will choose joy again. I will choose gratitude again.
I will take long and relaxing showers. I will drink tea, water, and kombucha.
I will read and journal, love and laugh. I will be as merry as I can be.

Tomorrow I go in for the 4th of my 6 healing therapy sessions.
Tomorrow I go in for the ongoing work of ridding my body of this invader.
Tomorrow I go in for the next class in building and deepening relationships with a top medical team and other survivors of this kanswer battle.
(In my mind, if someone is alive and fighting the kanswer battle, they are survivors.
The only victims are those whose lives were lost in the battle. I am a survivor! )
Tomorrow I go in for the ongoing work of deepening my connection with God.
Tomorrow I go in for another opportunity to lay my head in the lap of my Sweet Momma Jesus and find comfort there.
Tomorrow I go to that office for the beat(down) to go on.

But I know that all shall be well.
All is well right here and right now.
And all shall continue to be well.

I will continue to count on you, my friends, my neighbors, my family,
those who are nearby and those who are far, far away,
to pray, to light candles, to sit, to hold me close in your hearts and minds.
I'll be in the throes of healing tomorrow from 9:30 in the morning until approximately 1 pm.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.


sara said...

Thank you for this post! I just found your blog, and this one post helped me so much! I just finished my third round of chemo and have three more to go. I'm a 39 year old mom with breast cancer. This "healing" process is so difficult, and this post of yours really spoke to me. No one who hasn't gone through it can possibly understand. Thanks for this - " I will endure. I will thrive. I will be strong.
I will cry. I will feel sorry for myself. I will moan and groan.
And then I will choose joy again. I will choose gratitude again."

GailNHB said...

Sara, dear Sara, I will lift you in my prayers as you continue on this chemo healing journey.

This is the toughest thing I have ever gone thru for sure, but it does pass. You will find ways to get thru it, small tips and tricks that help you handle the side effects and keep your spirits lifted on your tough days.

Please email me at if you want or need to reach out to someone who has been where you are.

Peace be with you.