Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Still thinking about scars

Yesterday I wrote this about my scars.
Today I've thought a lot about what I wrote yesterday.
I've been wondering about other scars.

Scars from surgery.
The little one on the bottom of my belly button from getting my tubes tied.
The four little ones on my abdomen from the hysterectomy.

Scars from shingles. Scars from pimples. Scars from shaving fiascos.

Scars from dislocating my hip when I was a baby - I tried to escape from my crib and my foot got caught on the top rail. A cousin found me dangling, head towards the floor, from the rail. I ended up in traction for a while, then in a half body cast - which is what left the scar on my ankle. I'm glad I didn't land on my head; if I had, I think I'd have a different set of scars.

Scars from physical falls I've taken and emotional falls as well.
I fell down four wet stairs at camp one summer, got my leg caught in the open space between the stairs, and gashed my shin down to the bone. Ouch! 

Scars from terrible decisions I've made and wounds I've suffered as a result.
Getting involved with men I shouldn't have been involved with.
Broken heart. Wounded ego.

Scars from terrible decisions other people have made, decisions that left me bruised and bleeding, literally and figuratively.
Lies told. Truths told. Truths untold.
Rejection because of the color of my skin.
Churches split. Families too.

Scars I've caused for other people, especially people I love.
Excessive criticism. Gossip. 
Lies. Exaggeration. Silence.
Isolation. Neglect. Abandonment.

Scars on the hands, the feet, and the side of The One who Died for us all.
By those scars, by his stripes, The Word says, we are healed. 
I am healed. I am forgiven. I am made whole.

All of which makes me think even more.
How many of my scars are the result of me trying to escape my crib, my home, my family, my life?
How many are the result of me not paying attention to where I am going, to what I am doing, to the conditions of my life, so I slip and fall and get hurt?
How many are caused by my hope that some person outside myself, some relationship, some thing I own will make me happy, fulfill me, and validate me? 
How many of these scars come from me not being honest with myself or others about who I am, who I'm not, how I feel, what I want or don't want, and what I need or don't need?
How will I put my scars to use in helping others to accept, embrace, and allow their own scars to help others be healed and whole and accept themselves fully?
When will I learn that these scars are not mine alone and not only for me?
How many scars will I inflict on myself and others going forward because I forget all the things I'm thinking about and writing about yesterday and today?
How often will my scars remind me of these questions and this wondering when I see them in the mirror?
How many scars and wounds can I and will I avoid in the future by being contented, being grateful, being attentive, being truthful, and being willing to acknowledge my deep needs and desires to The Only One who can handle the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about who I am?

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