Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Two Questions I've Been Asking Myself Today

I spent longer than I expected on this website yesterday. Glennon is the one who led me there, but I ended up exploring several video libraries after I watched three of hers.

I ended up watching three of Barbara Brown Taylor's videos and found myself answering the same two questions she answered in this one.

Warning: if you don't have time to explore for a while, if you don't like getting lost in thought or being baffled by questions and commentary on issues of faith and life, love and community, then DO NOT click on any of these links.

But do take a moment to ponder these two questions -
1. What's saving your life today?
2. What would break you?

Here is a partial list of what is saving my life today:

* faith, hope, and joy
* time with my spiritual director
* tea and conversation with friends
* solitude and silence
* journaling and prayer
* good, healthy food
* green smoothies and fresh juices
* vitamins, supplements, and Juice Plus
* snail mail letters and cards
* upcoming teaching plans
* yoga
* Pinterest
* speaking my truth
* faithful friends
* a welcoming faith community
* opportunities to serve others
* my loving, supportive, encouraging family
* wise words written and spoken by wise women in my life
* spending time thinking about who and what is saving my life today

What would break me?
Some people say that losing a spouse, a child, a parent, or one's health would break them. I lost my father to lung kanswer in March of 2002. I lost my daughter temporarily to a dreadful disorder that is currently under control - thanks be to God. I lost my health temporarily to a dreadful disease, but I am well on my way to full health and strength. And I know that if I lost my husband or either of my children, I would be devastated for a long time. I will have to wait and see if those things will break me. I don't even want to think about it anymore right now.

But having watched my father pass from this life into the next one and then removing the oxygen mask after he stopped breathing,
having seen my daughter suffer and be hospitalized for weeks,
having gone through my own medical challenges during the past fifteen months,
having given up the easy and carefree way of life I had before kanswer,
having recently faced the real possibility of my own death,
I have poured out my anguish, my anger, and my anxieties before God, my friends, and into my journal.
I have lain on the floor in my study and in my bed and cried until my eyes were swollen shut on many occasions.
I have asked why? why me? why her? why us?
I have prayed for a break, but I am not broken. At least, not yet.

I know that life is messy, that suffering is unavoidable, and that none of us will get out of this alive.
I also know that life is joy-filled, wonder-filled, and there is so much beauty.
As Glennon so aptly says, life is brutiful.

I am enormously grateful that despite the pain, the suffering, and the loss,
I am not afraid. I am not disheartened. I am not broken.
I am whole. I am healed. I am here.

What's saving your life today?
What would break you?

1 comment:

Karmen M. said...

I am so glad that you are here and giving us a glimpse into your brutiful life.