Thursday, July 30, 2009

Her Parting Words...

She sat across from me at the table. Tears streaming. Chin trembling. She extended the pointer finger of her right hand towards me, and then as she uttered her final words, she jabbed it adamantly onto the table top.

"That's a lie."

And with that, she was gone.
I knew she was right. It was a lie. It is a lie. There are so many lies.
It didn't matter which specific one she referred to; a lie is a lie.

When I sat up in bed yesterday morning and tried to bring the earlier events of that dream to mind, I couldn't. I tried to remember what her face looked like, but I couldn't. That dream felt like a direct result of the thinking I had been doing the day before in response to the quote about Scheherazade about cycles that need to be broken. So I did what I always do when my mind and heart start to race: I rushed to my study, pulled out my journal, and began to write.

* What are some lies I need to confront in my life?

- "there isn't enough money or food or time or energy or..."
- "this is really scary and impossible and foolish and ..."
- "I am too good for this..."
- "I am unworthy of this..."
- "This is never going to change, so I may as well give up."
- "All these dreams are a waste of time. This kind of stuff only comes true in the movies."
- Mondo Beyondo is for weirdos and fantasy hunters.

* What are some new ways that I will take on these lies?

- I will admit that they are, indeed, lies.
- I will stop the cycles of doubt and fear and self-pity before they establish momentum. Stop. Sit. Breathe. Breathe again. And again.
* I will learn to say it out loud, just as she did, even if tears fall as I speak: "That's a lie."
- I will ask myself, "Even if this isn't a lie, what's the worst thing that can happen?" I will reassure myself to recognize that "the worst thing" almost never happens. And even if it does, I will be given all the strength and courage and grace and patience I need exactly when I need it.
- I went ahead and signed up for the Mondo Beyondo class anyway - I long to count myself among the dreaming, fantasy-hunting weirdos. With pride.
- By prayer, lots of prayer - which is what all these other steps really are, of course.

* What is the point of all this dreaming and reflecting and journaling?
What are my goals?

- Peace. Joy. Trust. Rest. Patience. Forgiveness. Contentment. Gratitude. Love.

Several years ago, I heard someone say that we are all the characters in our dreams. I've thought a lot about that and have found that in many cases, that statement does apply to my dreams. I definitely believe that about Tuesday night's dream. This morning, and for many mornings yet to come, I will claim her parting words as my own.

When I am afraid that money will run out before the bills and the needs do,
when I worry that some family relations are permanently damaged,
when I obsess about my children's health and safety and sink into despair and fear over things I cannot control - which are all things,
when I feel like politics and government and wars and rumors of war and bad news and stories of men and women's inhumanity to other men, women, and children will absolutely do me in,
when those that I love and miss feel impossibly far away and I am absolutely certain that they are glad to be rid of me,

I will see my own face in her face, I will mingle my tears with hers,
I will look at myself in the mirror of my mind's eye, and I will jab the table, I will jab myself in my own wounded (but mending!) heart, and say it out loud:



jena strong said...

From one weirdo, fantasy-hunting, dream-listening, truth-seeker to another: You are amazing.

Lisa said...

Ditto what Jena said!

I've read and re-read this post with wonder, awe, and knowing.

Seems we are on similar pages these days, dear Gail.

I just came across "The Work" with Byron Katie, in which she challenges us to question our dearest thoughts and beliefs. Just listening to one session with her, I felt lighter and more free.

Here's to finding and claiming our truths, discovering and living our dreams, and dreaming our Mondo Beyondo dreams :-)

lulliloo said...

i LOVE this confrontation of the mind...
i am going to tell myself, tell my patients, tell women who confuse their bodies/appearance for who they are, THAT'S A LIE.
amen sister.