Tuesday, October 05, 2010

"And still, I am worthy of love"

Some of my favorite bloggers have posted photographs and written blog posts and linked them to this woman's new book. I am awaiting my copy of it from Amazon.com at the moment.

I don't know about you, but I am desperately in need of daily reminders that prefection is not possible, that "perfection is the enemy of completion" (I didn't make that one up...), and that perfection robs us of precious time and energy on this exhausting and terminal thing we call life.

On the blog post that the title of this post links to, Chookoloonks asked her readers to confess some imperfect aspect/fact/habit they have and end each one with "and still I am worthy of love." I couldn't think of just one for her comment section, so I'm going to use this space to create an entire list of a few of my many imperfections. Countless imperfections, really.

I mop my hardwood floors less than a dozen times per year - and still I am worthy of love.

I clean my house ineffeciently and infrequently - and still I am worthy of love.

I don't always use unscented, environmentally harmless, biodegradable cleaning products - and still I am worthy of love.

At the end of every winter, I swear that I will replace our leaky windows and seal our leaky doorways and have our heaters inspected so that the next winter, our house will be more energy efficient. But I never do anything - and still I am worthy of love.

The same promise/failure/guilt cycle happens at the end of every summer in anticipation of the following summer (i.e - get the air conditioning system checked and repaired, etc, etc, etc...) - and still I am worthy of love.

On a regular basis, I promise myself that: I will give up meat and caffeine and sugar and white flour and alcohol and late night snacking. I will exercise 4 - 7 days per week. I will purchase only organic foods, drink only filtered water out of environmentally friendly containers, and eliminate artificial coloring and flavors and food byproducts from my life and our home. I will pay to offset the air pollution of the flights I take; better yet, I will travel less in order to pollute the planet less. Those life changes have sooooooo NOT happened in my life or at our house!!! And still I am worthy of love.

I am stingy in my gift-giving, lazy and slow in giving thanks for the gifts I receive, and profoundly ungrateful as well - and still I am worthy of love.

My homeschooling organization and planning are next to non-existent (in fact, I should be overseeing my kids right now as I write this blog post) - and still I am worthy of love.

I complain about my children, my marriage, my home, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and homeschooler, and many other aspects of my life as well - and still I am worthy of love.

I brag about my children to people who don't want to hear about my children - and still I am worthy of love.

I tune people out when they talk, I don't pay attention to what I hear or read, and I rarely am able to recall what is said to me - and still I am worthy of love.

I interrupt people when they speak way too often - and still I am worthy of love.

I feign interest in conversations and explanations and books and blogs and stories and accounts when I really don't care at all - and still I am worthy of love.

I spend way too much time fantasizing about running away from home and living a completely different life in a completely different place under a completely different name - and still I am worthy of love.

I spend too much money on pens and paper and paint and glue and journals and art supplies and books - all of which I already have dozens of - and at the same time I criticize my husband and children for their spending habits - and still I am worthy of love.

I am quick to judge everyone I know and even people I don't know and find them lacking in all areas - and still I am worthy of love.

I am quick to judge myself, my body, my mind, my soul, my spirit, my abilities, my faults and my failures, and am extremely critical of myself, finding very little to compliment myself on - and still I am worthy of love.

Currently, I am profoundly dissatisfied with "the church" - as in the buildings where people arrive, well-dressed and quiet - and how infrequently we are able to share the truth of our real lives and our pain and our difficulties there. But at the same time, I am reluctant to speak publicly about my true anger about the church and its leaders because I worry about what my "Christian" friends will think of me and whether such commentary on my part will disqualify me from being able to teach or speak in the same church institutions that I currently dislike so much - and that contradiction/dichotomy makes me feel like a hypocrite most of the time - and still I am worthy of love.

I often wish I had more thoughtful, spiritually astute, God-loving, Bible-believing, interesting, kind, gentle, well-read, well-traveled, well-groomed, perfect friends - when I know full well that I am often none of those things - and still I am worthy of love.

I have conversations/arguments in my head with people (for example - with politicians, newscasters, television personalities, pastors, neighbors, friends, and family members - even total strangers that pass me too closely on the highway or treat me disrespectfully at the supermarket) with whom I have disagreements. Most of the time, I win those arguments, of course. Sometimes, however, I lose those internal arguments, and end up punching that person in the mouth - in my head, of course. Every single time I have one of those internal conversations, however, I end up being angry at and bitter towards those people for conversations we never even had - and still I am worthy of love.

I sometimes force myself to include a Bible verse or "Christian" theme to certain blog posts and my facebook status because I think I should mention God every time I write or speak. Then at other times when I really want to include a verse or quote, I don't because I don't want to come across as some kind of religious fanatic - and still I am worthy of love.

Even though I do love God and cling tightly to my faith in nearly every situation and circumstance, I am deeply flawed on every level of my thoughts and words and living. I am eager to wander from the straight and narrow path much of the time, and sometimes I make elaborate plans about how I am going to abandon nearly everything I believe to be right and true for the sake of my selfishness. On occasion, I actually follow through on those plans - and still I am worthy of love.

I lie and judge and criticize and demand and hold grudges and gossip and compare and withdraw and flirt and avoid and deny and cheat and plagiarize and coopt and manipulate and ignore and walk away and doubt and question and minimize and plead ignorance  - and still I am worthy of love.

Care to add any confessions of your own?

1 comment:

Nicole said...

You are speaking my language, girlfriend! We have GOT to get together!