Pain has been at a minimum.
I've been sleeping well, eating well, and my hair is growing in well.
No serious complaints.
Some days are better than others.
Sometimes I look at my chest in the mirror and I cry.
The scars are long and still a little tender to the touch.
I hate the fact that I had to choose to have my breasts removed.
I hate the reminders that little scars on my abdomen provide -
my uterus, ovaries, cervix, and fallopian tubes are no more.
That sucks. Truly it does.
Some days I want to do to the supermarket shopping by myself.
But I can't lift grocery bags yet.
Some days I want to vacuum the stairs and the family room by myself.
But I can't lift the vacuum cleaner yet.
Sometimes I want to walk the long loop around my neighborhood.
But I don't have that much strength yet.
Some days I want to tackle the growing pile of ironing in the laundry room.
But I'm not supposed to take on tasks like that yet either.
Some days I want to cook a big meal, bake cookies, and clean up after myself.
But again, that kind of undertaking is going to have to wait a few more weeks.
Don't get me wrong; it is nice to NOT have to do all the chores I usually do.
It's nice to get a break from the heavy lifting, literally and figuratively.
It has been truly glorious to see how my family has stepped in and taken care of the food, the cooking, the laundry, and most of all, they have taken exceptional care of me.
It's just that every day that I can't do the things I want to do is a reminder of kanswer.
A reminder of that horrible diagnosis and the aftermath of treatment.
A reminder of the side effects of chemotherapy and the after effects of surgery.
At the same time, these scars, these lost and mangled fingernails remind me that I entered into the battle with kanswer and I have emerged victorious from this round. They remind me that I had to make difficult decisions in order to win this battle. They remind me that I fought hard to stay alive and now I choose to live my life with more joy, more faith, more courage, and more determination than ever. (Yes, chemo can cause you to lose your fingernails weeks after the therapy is completed. Chemotherapy is the gift that keeps on giving!)
Even though some days are definitely better than others,
I remain grateful that the worst of this phase of my life's journey is behind me.
I am grateful that there are far more good days than bad ones.
I am grateful for hope and a future.