Dear God, I'm just wondering....

I'm sitting here on this brisk Saturday afternoon wrestling with a lot of questions, God.

* why is there so much cold weather?
* why so much hot weather?
* why so many bad storms?
* why the frequent drought?

* why do we reach for guns and knives so often?
* why so much violence?
* why do we yell, scream, and insult one another so frequently?

* why can't we all just get along?

* why is it so hard to let things go?

* why is it so hard to let people go and forgive them?

* why does life have to hurt so much?

* why is there kanswer?
* why is there so much kanswer?
* why can't people just have kanswer once and be done with it?
* why haven't we figured out more ways to prevent, avoid, and cure disease?

* when will I learn to trust you completely?
* to trust that all truly shall be well?
* to trust that there really is a plan?
* to trust that I don't have to know the plan in order to trust you?

* what if none of this ever makes sense?
* what if I never get a glimpse of the plan behind the mystery?
* what if I decide to trust you anyway, even though most of the time you feel like you are a million miles away?
* when will I learn to cherish those moments when you are closer than my breath,
when I feel your hand in mine, your breath against my wet cheeks,
and your arms carrying me through the darkest, most shadow-filled nights?

* why do I so easily discount my feelings of trust and faith as nonsensical?

* why do I look for ways to downplay the deep peace I feel, even in this most difficult time?
* why do I allow other people's skepticism and cynicism to infringe on my blessed assurance that all is well and all shall be well?

* would you please help me to be willing to hold onto 

the good and the bad at the same time?

the doubt and the faith?

the joy and the anguish?

the hope and the despair?

the strength and the weakness?

the prayers and the cursing?

the salad and the cookies?

the patience and the itchiness?
the contentment and the rage?
to not reject one or the other but to accept every feeling, every tear, every wail, every experience as part of the life journey you have put me on?

* what if all of this pain, this sickness, this homebound living, what if all of this hair loss, healing therapy, upcoming surgery and radiation therapy truly are meant to strip me of everything that is superfluous, meaningless, overrated, and overvalued, so that I will emerge as a completely new woman? Ready to live, love, speak, teach, and move in the world as a new creation, one for whom all things have been made new? 

* what if I don't live to see any of that?

Dear God, I'm just wondering...
I've got a lot of questions.
I'm pretty sure you can handle them.
Thanks for listening.

PS. I love you more now than ever before.
Thanks for (gulp...) everything, I think...