Tuesday, January 19, 2010

It's not that I don't have anything to say...

I have a lot to say.
To describe.
To ponder.
To complain about.
To criticize.
To question.
To reconsider.

There are relationships in flux: some in ascent, some in descent.
Others are no longer viable, it seems.

There are letters and emails to be written.
A book or two as well.

There are phone calls that are long overdue.
And several that will most likely never be made.

Apologies to extend.
Forgiveness too.

There is a lot to say.
There is a lot to do as well.

Gym classes to attend.
Meals to be planned, cooked, cleaned up after.

Food to be purchased and stored.

Lessons to write and rewrite and then teach.
Books to be read. Notes to be taken.

Journal pages to be filled.

Floors to be swept and mopped.
Carpets to be vacuumed and cleaned.
Toilets to be swished and sinks to be swiped.

Bills to be paid.
Taxes to be filed.

But for the past week, none of it seems to matter much
because I keep thinking about mothers in Haiti.
About mothers in mourning over lost children.
Mothers in anguish over hungry children and sick children.
Mothers who have no idea of the status of their children.

Somehow I can't imagine that there are too many mothers in Haiti who are worried about whether their sons are winning tennis tournaments two states away. Or whether they have burned enough calories at the gym to eat a vegan peanut butter cookie after dinner. Or where the free vouchers are for the local car wash. Or how their children will do on standardized tests in three months.

For the past week, I have prayed for Haitian mothers and daughters and fathers and sons. I have sent some money. And I have prayed some more - and none of it feels like enough. I have called friends with ties to Haiti to find out what they have heard: the news, as we all know, is mostly dire. I translated a plea for help on Sunday morning - a remarkable Haitian man making an appeal in Spanish to Latino people. I translated his words into English for the Americans in the crowd. I was glad to be of assistance - and managed to hold back my tears...for the most part.

I can't get beyond how helpless and useless and so very selfish I feel for thinking about calories and cookies and shampoo and saving for college and homeschool assignments and holes in my socks and organic salad and biodegradable laundry detergent. So I am keeping my petty concerns to myself - for the moment anyway.

No, it's not that I don't have anything to say. It's just that most of what I was planning to say doesn't matter much these days. And the only stuff that matters right now is being muttered under my breath, through clenched teeth and fists, over and over and over.

"Lord, have mercy.
Please let the food and water and tents and medical supplies get distributed soon.
Christ have mercy.
Why Haiti? Didn't they have enough problems already?
Lord, have mercy."

6 comments:

MaryAnn M said...

i think that you are not alone. i know that my thoughts of "importance" have been leveled this week. the important things are: relationships. do they know they are loved by me. i cannot imagine the pain that the people are feeling with the unanswered questions...but i trust God to cover them in Grace. i pray for safety for the ones who are rescuing and working hard. i pray for the lines to get the aid in to clear. i pray for supernatural strength for all of them.

and then there are the children...

as you read in my blog...this situation has made my husband and i reevaluate our lives...and at 45/46 we are going to move forward to give a home to some kids who need safety and love and family. big step.
big God.

its something i can do...it will make a difference to them.
small things with great love...thats what does it!!

MaryAnn M said...

bah..i wrote a really nice long comment...and then lost it in the word verification deal.
boo.

i said something to the effect of:

you are not alone in that thinking.

insignificant things have taken their rightful place...important things have risen to the top.
relationships...knowing they are loved by me are the top things now.

vegan peanutbutter cookies and the 3 pounds that need to be removed from my frame...relegated to "later"

i cannot imagine the feelings of those people there. mothers searching for children. young lovers praying for a glimpse of their beloved one more time. children..lost and hungry.

i do know that Christ is present. i do know that God is there with Grace. He promised them that.
I pray for supernatural strength and the grace to carry it all....for all the workers and the residents.
i pray for the food and water and medical equipment & supplies to get there quickly now.

this event has shattered our hearts and made us realize that we still have lots of love to give and that although our children are grown...we still have abundance of love to give to more children. we have decided to pursue adopting.
at 45/46 we had things pretty well lined up for a life of wonder and exploration and growing old together. now? add a few children to keep things jumpin and interesting and...ya know...i am thrilled to bits about it!!

opening our hearts to the possibilities...we are like 2 giddy newlyweds now....
paperwork and prayer....we will see where this leads.
i'm glad that we got our call...we arent done yet. :D
abundance of love and life to give to some children.

its little things that matter.
smiles, hugs...love notes.

small things done with great love.

the adoption process will take time...i can remove those 3 pounds...
but in the process of it all i can get involved with the underprivileged children here in my town that need some encouragement and cheerin on.

there is a place for all of us to serve each other.
this is a wake up call to step out and serve Jesus...

maybe it does mean bake vegan cookies and hand them out...or visit with a neighbor over coffee...

ask the Father...He is faithful..and although saddened, He is hopeful that we will do the right things and serve and love each other thru this time.

Lisa said...

Mmmmm. Dare I say, "good post, Gail"?

You echo here what so many of us are feeling these days. How do we keep on living our daily lives and wrap our heads around what is happening to our brothers and sisters in Haiti? Or in the rest of the world, for that matter?

Being born in the country of Affluenza certainly has its blessings. And it also has its curses. This is one of them. Feeling selfish and helpless and confused as we hold up the mirror in light of such great tragedy.

I have no answers.

But I keep clinging to what I CAN do...in my own little sphere of influence. All our healing efforts and work for justice & peace have a ripple effect far more than we will ever know.

We fall down, we get up, we fall down, we get up...

{{Hugs of comfort and peace to you, my dear friend}}

michi herself said...

very eloquently written.

ragamuffin diva said...

There is a season for everything, my friend. You are in season to mourn, but God doesn't mind that you want to lose those stubborn 3 lbs, or have your kids do well on the tests that will effect their futures. Even the cookie counts. To the God who made us fearfully and wonderfully, cherishing his creation is always in order. Your small concerns are important to the God who is big enough to love the whole Gail, and care about her life in detail. Just be loved, my friend. Love back. And breathe.

lulliloo said...

i think, friend, you say it well.